A few months ago I stumbled across a podcast from England
with the author of a book called “Dare to Date”. This podcast was from a
Christian radio network so I took the time to listen. I was encouraged by what
I heard, so I ordered the book. And I’m very glad I did.
I should point out that I have no personal need for this. In
a few weeks my wife Anne and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. But because
I work with young people, and I know enough single adults who aren’t sure about
dating, I think it is worth me getting to know some of what is being said.
The author, Aukelien Van Abbema, has a degree in psychology
and philosophy. She also runs a dating workshop, which sounds like it would be
far more beneficial than appearing on “First Dates” and embarrassing yourself
on television. Some of the stories from her workshops and counselling make
their way into the book, so readers get to see something that is practical and
not just theoretical.
What I like about
this book is the direction she takes. The topic of ‘dating’ has become a
bit toxic in Christian circles over the last 15 years or more. There are some
good reasons for this, but this book can help us avoid certain extremes that
have found favour in some churches. The first chapter in this book urges
readers to build a Connection with God.
In the context of relationships, this is vital.
There is much in this chapter
that I could quote, but here are some highlights:
God never says ‘Seek “the one” and you shall find him or her.’ Seek the good, seek God’s heart, seek the people around you, and your partner may be among them. That is something different. p19
Your life serves a much larger purpose than getting married and having children, and taking your place in his coming kingdom is more important that where you end up relationally. p23
The second chapter, Connecting
to Yourself, is equally helpful and possibly more challenging than the
first. Her opening phrase here is “If you want your dating life to change, the
first change must begin with you.” It might be there are personal habits that
you need to change, or some expectations you have that need to be challenged.
Our culture tells us that a
relationship is all about your
happiness, a happiness that you are entitled to. Yet dating with a type in mind
is an egocentric way of dating. The search then becomes one of looking for
someone to enrich your life, rather than searching for a way that you can
enrich the life of someone else, even if it’s only for an evening. p55
This chapter also throws out a challenge to single people
who would like to one day be married. Plan to meet five new single people each
week. Each week! It sounds daunting, but a challenge worth taking.
Chapter three is Connecting
to a Community, a phrase that should make good sense to most of us, but
perhaps a little surprising in the context of dating. Here there is a great
encouragement to have a group of friends on your team who are there to help
you. When I first read this, I thought, “That is the weirdest thing. Who needs
a team for this?” But having read it, I see the wisdom. Particularly for people
who seem to have been on lots of dates that never build to a relationship, or
for people who just don’t seem to get out at all.
There is a temptation to jump straight to chapter four – Connecting to the Other Person – but this
would be a mistake. While there are brilliant things in this chapter, it does
build on the previous chapters, so read them first. There is some practical
guidance in this chapter that helps the reader consider what they are looking
for, what they can change, and how to meet people. So what about using internet
dating sites? I got married before internet was really a thing, and even
recently I would have thought dating sites were only used by sad and lonely
people.
My attitude has changed on this. Here is what Van Abbema
says on this topic:
Dating websites can be a goldmine
to help you practise. You don’t have to join expecting to meet the person you
will marry, but see it as a sort of relaxed place where you have the
opportunity to meet other Christian singles. p124
The final chapter – Finding
your match: Now What? – is filled with more practical guidance about what
you do once the relationship is moving ahead. Again, don’t just jump to this
chapter. Read it all and you’ll be better for it.
Who should read this
book?
If you’re in your late twenties or beyond and still waiting,
I encourage you to read this book. If you have adult children at home and you
want to have a conversation with them about moving on to the next stage of
life, perhaps this might be good to read and discuss with them. If you are
involved in ministry to young adults, you should definitely read it. The
wisdom you gain here will help you deal with the confused young men and women
who were told to kiss dating goodbye, but were never given a better
alternative.
